H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Venn
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired