@Marlebean

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

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@Sarcasticsapien

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.

@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

@salamingia

A U2 album so shitty, even Android won’t give it out for free.

@Matt_the_1st

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

@Megatronic13

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

@TheBoydP

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?