Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

the duality of man

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?