H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.