H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
japanese corn
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place