H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.