Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…