Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

What about second breakfast?

*files a restraining order against reality*

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.