@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

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@BluEzeNBrwnSkin

Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza

@cluedont

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

@farouq_yahaya

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

@rockymomax

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

@B0niferd

My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you’re good.

@EndhooS

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

@AimeeHelene1

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

@MorticiaKate

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

@TheLesbianTwin

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!