@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

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@aguywithnolife

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

@Ameiam

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

@KeithAshers

Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.

@TheAmecha

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

@Bob_Janke

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.

@Rollinintheseat

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

@KyleMcDowell86

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.