H: I'm going to fix our washer myself. M: Okay, I'm going to Lowe's to pick out our new washer.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

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