H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

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Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza


My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.


The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.


ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so


My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today but my sweatpants were like nah girl you’re good.


Do you know how fast you were going sir?


Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”



“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)


Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching


a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!