searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me
Witch doctor? -reception
Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me
Please sit down.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Never judge Darth Vader’s parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.