H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Bringing home a sharpie
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail