H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
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I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Mhm.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME