H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
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I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
You learn something every day
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
learning about math 🧐 📝
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?