Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no