Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

I’m ready to try another planet.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

shakira sharkira

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.