Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

dictator is short for richard potato

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child