H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..