Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

this is literally a CIA plant

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.