Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!