Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.