Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

He a real one for that

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER