H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Unexpected Judgment
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Something Saturday.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.