H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
