H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”