H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.