H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
notice
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Breaking news:
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”