H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
The sacred texts.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”