Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.