H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
NOT all policemen are strippers.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?