H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name