Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something