H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.