H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
whatcha thinkin bout
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
This kid will have a bright future.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
motivation
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant