Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)