Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

somewhere, in an alternate universe

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

May never get over this

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

I think I’m gonna be sick

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

Become a minion. Get that bread.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.