H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
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Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”