H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face