Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

love it when they get my name right

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.