Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.