Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Hmm 🧐

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.