H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips