Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today