H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Still my favourite meme.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“FOUND ‘EM!”
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.