H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat