H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
You Might Also Like
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Green is just blue that someone peed in
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Seas the day!!!!
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?