H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him