H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!