Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks