H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.