H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?