Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers