Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.