Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

he’s sick of your bullshit today

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

One is against the law, the other is a sick bird

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.