Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

me, too, girl. me, too.

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

ㅤ

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.