Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

Today’s tshirt

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.