Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

*checks Timeline*…

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct