Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

This makes total sense…

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.