Ha.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Seems legit.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
ok this is my dumbest yet
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill