Ha
You Might Also Like
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.