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I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?