Ha
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I have obtained a hat
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one