Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
New tinder profile pic
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Hmm, not sure about this change
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.