Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*