Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Found my door mat
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!