Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.