Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Now colored!

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.