Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please