Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.