Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Running from your problems is cardio .

Him: I like to play devils advocate

Me: There are way better games out there

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Shark week, but for squirrels.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Jogging

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience