Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

Dead sexy!!

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you