Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
can’t talk my ride’s here
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice