Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Genius.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*offers Batman cough drops*
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop