Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
seems like a niche market
#Caturday
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
What kind of a cult is this?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Put a ring on it
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Omg 🤣
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper